Life is Not a Fairytale
by Twelve-Days-of-Misfortune
Summary: Valerie's friends have been turned into fairy tales. Literally. And it's all her sister Delilah's fault, because she found a pen that doubles as a magic wand. Now, Valerie has to get everyone in one place for them all to go home. Which would be easier if they remembered who they actually are...
1. Prologue

**_Prologue:_**

 **Main Characters:**

Valerie: Plays herself

Delilah: Also plays herself

 _-Linebreak-_

"Hello?" Valerie called, sitting up on the floor. She looked around the dim room. There seemed to be no entrance or exit, no windows or doors. So how had she gotten in?  
A sudden flash of green smoke appeared, and then her sister was in front of her, coughing and waving smoke away.

"That's gonna be difficult to get used to," she said, then turned and smiled brightly at Valerie. "Hey, sis. Guess who I decided to be for Halloween?"

"You didn't need to dress up," Valerie said, staring in shock at Delilah. "You're scary enough anyway. So where are we?" Delilah leaned over and gently hit Valerie's arm.  
"Fairytalelandia," she replied. "And I'm a witch."

"You play the part perfectly," Valerie said, her face lacking any expression. Delilah frowned and placed her hands on her hips after using a hand to straighten her hat. "Hey, remember who's in charge here. Anyway, guess what I did?"

"Found a magic pencil and decided to write us all into this odd world and now I have to go find everyone for us to go back home?" Valerie guessed. Delilah shook her head. "Nope! It's a magic _pen_."

Valerie leaned back, sighing. "Great. So how do I get out of here?"  
"Here. I stole these off some girl from Kansas," Delilah said, holding out a pair of sparkly red stiletto heels. Valerie took one look at them and winced. "Ouch."

"Yeah. I betcha I did her a favor. Anyway, just click your heels three times and think of where you want to go."  
"Home," Valerie muttered, standing and taking the impossibly high heels from her now green sister.

"Doesn't work that way. You can only go home after you get everyone together in one spot. Oh, and this might help."  
She handed Valerie a small bag.

"Got this one off a flying nanny. Apparently it's bottomless. Man, Disney is fun."  
She sighed whistfully, then blinked and grinned. "Well, good luck. I have more sight-seeing to do!" she exclaimed, disappearing in more green smoke.

Valerie placed her converse in her bag, slipped on the heels, clicked her heels three times, and thought of the most famous fairytale she knew.

* * *

 **Hope you guys enjoyed the prologue of "Life is Not a Fairytale." This was fun to write.**

 **Reviews make me happy!**

 **-Misfortune**


	2. Cinderella, Part 1

_**Cinderella, Part 1**_

 **Main Characters:**

Valerie: Plays the Fairy Godmother and Herself.

Sally: Plays Cinderella

 **Other:**

Rabbits, Frogs

 _-Linebreak-_

Sally sighed as she scrubbed at the floor. "So this is torture, mhmmmhmmm, so this is torture..." she sang. Suddenly a crash came from outside. Sally ran out and saw a girl younger than her rubbing her ankles and holding some sparkly red shoes.

"You okay?" she asked, running up to her. The girl looked up and stared at Sally for a moment, then blinked and nodded. "Oh, yeah. Just wasn't expecting that to hurt so much."  
She stood up and brushed herself off, giving Sally a moment to study the girl.

She was somewhat tall, and was wearing a plain brown and orange dress. She had very brown eyes and brown hair, and was carrying a small purse. "What's your name?" Sally asked. The girl blinked at her in surprise for a moment, then frowned. "What, no 'what happened?' No 'how did you end up on my front lawn all of a sudden?'"  
Sally folded her arms indignantly. "You appeared with no explanation, I deserve to know who you are."

"Fine," the girl said, dropping the sparkly heels into the purse. She reached out a hand and shook Sally's.  
"The name is Valerie, but you can call me 'your majesty,' or 'your grace,' or Val. I personally like Valerie best though, so..."  
She trailed off, then shook her head and looked at Sally. "So, Sally, what's going on in your life?"

Sally was speechless. First this girl shows up on her lawn suddenly, then she knows Sally's name? What was going on?!

"How do you know my name?" she demanded. Valerie thought for a moment.

"Lucky guess," she finally decided on. Sally stared at her for a moment, then shrugged. "Whatever. So what happened, Valerie?"  
"I assure you, you wouldn't believe me if I told you. But according to this wand and these instructions, _won't need those_ ," she said, pulling a wand and a parchment put of the bag, throwing the parchment behind her and then spreading her arms wide, "I'm your fairy godmother!"

"Excuse me? My what?"  
"Have your mother and stepsisters gone to the ball yet?" Valerie asked. Sally nodded. "They left not too long ago. Now who are you again?"

"Fairy godmother. Wish granter, dream come truer, happily ever afterer, you name it. Got any mice?"

"No," Sally said, looking around with wide eyes. "At least, I certainly hope not."  
"Lizards?"  
"Eww, no."  
"Rats?"  
"Gross!"  
"Rabbits or frogs?"  
"Well, we have two rabbits out back, and there might be a few frogs in the pond back there," Sally admitted, then paused. "What for?"

"Um, not really sure. Let's see, do you have any pumpkins?"  
"We have apples."  
"Ooh, plot twist. I like it!" Valerie exclaimed, then pointed her wand ahead. "Take me to these items!"

Her wand started to glow, then spat and fizzled out. Valerie stared at it, then shrugged. "Or we can walk. Come on," she said, grabbing flats out of her bag and slipping them on. She ran towards the back, Sally following her.

"Apples, rabbits, frogs... do you have a goose?" Valerie asked. Sally rubbed her forehead, exasperated. "No, I don't think so. Why?"

Valerie tapped her wand against her hand a few times, and it lit up again.  
"Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo!" she exclaimed. Nothing happened.  
"Alakazaam!" she said, pointing it at the rabbits.

"Abracadabra?"

Sally frowned. "Maybe it should rhyme," she said. Valerie turned to look at her, then shrugged. "Okay."

She pushed up her sleeves, then cracked her knuckles and continued.

"Apples, apples, on the tree; make a pretty carriage for me!"

"A pretty carriage? Was that the best you could come up with?" Sally asked. Valerie looked back at her and shrugged. "I'll improve."  
She turned forward and smiled as a stream of light shot forth and hit some apples. They expanded, fell off the tree, and became a deep red carriage.

"Coolio. Now, let me think. Ah, yes; Frogs and rabbits, to horses and men; then at midnight; back again," she said. Two rabbits floated up from the cabbage patch, both becoming human. Six frogs levitated into the yard, each slowly morphing into green-ish black horses.

"Great!" Valerie exclaimed, turning back to Sally, who was still thoroughly confused.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked. Valerie stared at her dubiously. "You haven't figured it out yet?" she asked. Sally shook her head, and Valerie sighed.

"You're going to go to the ball!" she exclaimed, readying her wand.

"Rags to riches, sew up the patch, then add a pair of glass slippers to match," she said. Sally closed her eyes as light enclosed around her; when she opened them, she gasped.

Instead of her old rags, she was wearing a beautiful(and very sparkly) blue gown.

"Let's see... spell only lasts until midnight, the prince is probably really cute, nobody's perfect, and don't elope."  
Valerie paused, pushing Sally into the carriage.

"Oh, and I need you to accompany me on an adventure afterward. Bye! Have fun!" she exclaimed. As soon as the carriage was out of sight she turned and slouched against a wall. "Wow. This has changed my outlook on mothers forever."


	3. Cinderella, Part 2

_**Cinderella, Part 2**_

 **Main Characters:**

Valerie: Fairy Godmother, Herself

Sally: Cinderella

 **Other Characters:**

Prince Neal

 _-Linebreak-_

"Announcing their royal highnessess, Prince Ali-ababwa and Princess Jasmine, of Agrahbah!" the announcer announced. Sally wiped her palms on her dress, straightening her posture and walking forward to tell her name to the man. She didn't want anyone to recognize her, so she whispered a fake name. He looked back at her. "What cruel mother would name their child that?" he whispered. She shrugged uselessly. He shook his head, turning back to the ballroom.

"Announcing Cinderella, of Pompeii County!"

There were murmurs as Sally descended the stairs. She heard one lady say; "I heard that a volcano exploded in that area not too long ago. I hope everyone's okay."  
Sally smiled at everyone, then sighed and slowly made her way over to the buffet table. Suddenly she tripped over her long dress and almost fell, but a hand reached out and caught her hand.

"Glad I caught you," a man said, placing a glass on a nearby tray. Sally got up and brushed herself off. "Seriously? Worst pickup line ever."

The man laughed, then held his hand out more politely. "Care to dance?"  
"No," Sally said, turning back to the table. He frowned. "Why not?"  
"Because I am hungry, I shall not be dancing with anyone tonight," Sally said. The man smiled. "Surely it cannot be that bad."  
"I have been treated as a servant for most of my life," Sally said, chin up defiantly. He bowed with a flourish. "Terribly sorry madam. I can wait."

Sally laughed, then, with a wistful glance back at the buffet table, turned and smiled. "Perhaps I shall dance. But first, what is your name?"

"It is Prince Neal."  
Sally gasped and curtsied; he laughed and led her out to the dance floor.  
They danced the night away, and just then, the first bells of midnight began to ring.

"I must go," Sally said, pulling away from the prince's grasp. She began running.

"Wait! I know not your name, nor where I can find you!" he shouted. Sally winced in pain, stopping for a moment to slip her glass slippers off. "Ouch." Turning back to the prince, she yelled, "Were you not listening to the announcer?"  
Neal shook his head. "I don't, usually. What is your name? How will I find you?"  
"Here," Sally said, chucking a shoe at him. He fumbled and caught it, and she rushed down to the red carriage.

"Go!" she exclaimed, climbing in. The frog-horses galloped off.

Not far down the road from her home, The spell began to wear off. The carriage started to shrink back down, and the horses, one by one, became frogs again. The two coachmen fell off the cart and hopped away, now rabbits. Sally's dress was reduced back to rags, and she dove out of the small door.

There was an explosion of light, and in that moment, everything returned to normal.

"Took you long enough," came Valerie's voice. Sally turned to see Valerie, arms crossed, leaning against the wall. She walked over and helped Sally off the ground, then picked up a glass slipper and handed it to her.

"So, how'd it go? Did you fall helplessly head over heels for the prince? Was he cute?"

Sally looked at Valerie in shock. "I just barely met the guy!" she exclaimed, dropping the shoe. Valerie grinned. "Finally, a sensible princess," she muttered, then shrugged. "Oh well. Anyway, you ready for our adventure?"

"Wait!" came a new voice. Sally and Valerie turned to see Neal, stumbling forward with a shoe.

"How did you find me?" Sally asked. Valerie sighed. "Locator spell. It will forever find it's partner in crime," she said, gesturing to the discarded slipper.

Sally turned to the prince, who rushed up to her and got down on one knee. "Will you marry me?"

Sally groaned. "We just met! I am not going to marry a man I just met! Did this enchanted shoe cloud your judgment? No!"  
Prince Neal lowered his hands, then stood up. "Okay."

"Okay?" Valerie exclaimed, throwing her hands up expressively. "Okay? You went through all that trouble to find her, she says no, and all you have to say is okay?"  
The prince nodded. "Pretty much. There are plenty of other girls out there, probably prettier than this one."  
Sally turned and slapped him across the face. "Jerk. Go away!"  
Prince Neal nodded and left.

Valerie exhaled slowly. "Well, that was unexpected. Anyway, are you ready to go on an adventure?"  
Sally shrugged. "Will I get new clothing?"  
"Yes," Valerie said, pulling her wand out of the purse.

"New clothes." she said, pointing the wand at the older girl. Both girls' clothes suddenly became more travel worthy.  
"That didn't rhyme," Sally noticed. Valerie smiled sheepishly. "I grabbed the instructions. Anyway, you up for it?" she asked. Sally shrugged. "Sure."

Valerie grinned, grabbed the red heels out of her purse, slipped them on, and grabbed Sally's arm.  
"Let's get out of here."

* * *

 **I do not own Cinderella.**

 **Reviews make me smile!**

 **-Misfortune**


	4. Snow White Little Red Riding Hood, Pt 1

**Sorry about the wait. Aaaaanyway...**

 ** _Snow White/Little Red Riding Hood, Part 1_**

 **Main Characters:**

Valerie: Plays herself and Sarcasm the Dwarf

Christie: Plays Snow White

Alex: Plays the Huntsman

Laura: Plays Little Red Riding Hood

Ben: Plays the Wolf

 **Other Characters:**

Sally

The Dwarves

Delilah

* * *

"Please don't kill me!" Christie pleaded, holding her arms up defensively. Alex rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to kill you."  
Christie blinked and looked up at him, shocked. "You're not?"  
"No. Both of us know I don't have the nerve to. Now, I'm going to turn around and count to ten; when I do, you go and-"  
A sudden crash from the nearby trees surprised them both. Alex grinned, rubbing his hands together happily. "Finally, dinner. Let's see what unlucky animal has fallen victim to my trap."

They walked over to a small clearing, where two girls were held in a net. One glared down at them. "Get us out of here!" she exclaimed. The other smirked. "Two jerks in one day. What were the chances of that?"

Alex frowned at them. "You're girls."  
"Gasp! He's a detective!" the first exclaimed with obvious sarcasm. The second looked at the first, confused. "Excuse me? He's no detective. It's obvious we are girls."  
The first sighed, then went back to glaring at Alex. "The name's Valerie, and she's Sally. We're caught in your trap, mister huntsman, so please get us down."  
Alex withdrew his knife from his side and swiped at the rope holding the net up. Both girls fell to the ground, then stood.  
Valerie shoved a pair of heels into her purse, pulling out some odd black and white shoes. She sat down and laced them up, then stood up again. "So, who am I?" she asked, reaching into her bag. She went all the way shoulder deep, even though the purse wasn't that big.

She finally pulled out a pickaxe. Staring at it for a moment, she groaned. "You have got to be kidding me."

"What?" the other girl, Sally, asked. Valerie turned, holding out the axe. "I'm a dwarf!"  
"Dwarves are guys," Alex pointed out, putting his knife away. Valerie looked around and grinned. "Snow White is getting away," she said. Alex raised an eyebrow. "What?" he asked. Valerie pointed farther into the forest, where the edge of Christie's dress was disappearing around a tree. Alex frowned. "Wait!" he exclaimed, running after her.

 _-Linebreak-_

Little Red Laura Hood walked into the forest, basket in hand. She looked inside and smiled, seeing all the treats that she had gotten for her mother. Suddenly a growl came from beside her.  
"You aren't getting these sweets, Ben!" she called, slamming the basket lid shut. A lightly colored wolf suddenly stood in front of her. "Why not?" Ben asked, sitting down. Laura glared at him. "Because I bought them, fair and square. Dad specifically asked me to bring them to Mother."  
"But I'm hungry," Ben protested. Laura shrugged. "Poor you," she replied, stepping around him and continuing to walk. He bounded over and caught up with her. Laura looked down at him. "Don't make me scream. I've heard that Alex the Huntsman still roams these woods. He kills wolves for a living."  
"You and I both know I'm no wolf," Ben barked. She smiled, studying his doggy figure. "Um, have you looked in a mirror lately?"  
"It was that green lady with the spell!" He said. Laura shrugged. "Sorry to hear that. Anyway, mom is probably getting hungry. Are you going to stop me, or let me go?"  
Ben looked down in defeat, then he pricked his ears and looked up. "I hear voices."  
Laura laughed, disappearing farther in the woods. "Sure. I'll see you back home."

Ben stared after her for a moment, then shook his head and looked around. He followed the voices. He saw a girl holding an axe, and another staring at her skeptically. The one with the axe spoke first.

"So apparently I'm a dwarf."  
"The hunter-"  
"-Alex,"  
"Right. Alex said dwarves are guys, and you're clearly a girl."  
"Gasp! You're both detectives!"

Ben watched them talk. He padded out, and one shrieked, diving behind the other, who sighed.  
"The wolf. Must be Little Red," the one with the axe said. Ben sat down. "How do you know my sister?" he asked. She grinned. "Your sister? Nice twist. Anyway, I'm Valerie, and I know a lot. This is Sally."  
"Hello," Sally said from behind Valerie. Valerie fingered the pickaxe in her hands. Ben frowned, looking at Valerie. "You wouldn't by any chance be related to a green girl who goes by the name 'Delilah,' would you?"  
"Sister. Why?" Valerie asked. Ben growled under his breath. "She's the one who made me a wolf," he said. Valerie started laughing. "That does sound like her."

Ben sighed. "Not funny."  
"Wait, okay. So is your sister Laura?"  
"How do you know this?"  
"Lucky guess," Sally supplied from behind Valerie. Valerie nodded. "That's correct. Anyway, where is your sister?"  
"Why would I tell you?" Ben asked. Valerie looked away. "Well, it would make this a whole lot easier."  
Ben shook his head, then stood up. His stomach growled. "Do you happen to have any food on you?" he asked. Valerie shoved her hand into her bag, feeling around for a moment and then coming back up empty-handed.  
"Sorry. We don't have anything."

Suddenly a man walked back, holding a shiny blade in his hand. "Stay there," he said to Valerie and Sally. Valerie winced. "Wait, Alex! That's not a wolf!"  
Alex looked between her and Ben, then turned to her. "Are you blind?" he asked. Valerie looked down. "Considering the way things are going, I might be soon. But Ben isn't a wolf, he was turned into a wolf by my sister Delilah."  
"Queen Delilah?" Sally asked. Valerie turned back to her. "Did you say queen?"  
"Yes," came another voice. They all turned to see a girl with black hair standing behind Alex.

"Christie? You're Snow White?" Valerie asked. Christie shook her head. "Who's Snow White?" she asked.  
"You, from another… never mind."

Ben's stomach growled even louder. He glared behind him, eyes searching for his sister.  
"I'm really regretting letting her go. I'll be back," he announced, turning and bounding off.

 _-Linebreak-_

"Well, it has been fun, Alex, but I'm leaving," Christie said, turning and running off. She heard footsteps behind her, and was surprised when the two girls caught up.  
"There's a cottage somewhere around here," the one with the axe said. Just then, Alex caught up to them. "Christie, I'm much faster than you. And did you not get that part about me not having the nerve to kill you?"  
"Course not. I don't listen to people. Now where did you say that cottage was?"  
"Should be close," the girl said, looking around. "Oh, over there. See that smoke?"  
"Yes," Christie said, veering off towards the smoke. Alex chased her, and they all came to a stop beside the cottage.

"Um, no one's home," Christie said. The girl shrugged. "Your point?"  
"Wouldn't that be home invasion?" Christie asked. The other girl nodded. "Yeah, Valerie, isn't that breaking and entering? And you're a fairy godmother. Can't you whisk us away from here?"  
"Doesn't work like that," Valerie said, pushing Christie towards the door. She turned and blocked Alex. "Can't enter. The plot won't let you."  
Sure enough, Alex pushed past her, but some unseen force kept him from getting any farther. Christie opened the door and stepped inside.

 _-Linebreak-_

Valerie and Sally walked past Alex and into the cottage. Alex watched them go, then sighed and leaned back against the invisible barrier. Suddenly a troop of seven small men marched through the barrier, each sending a weird look at Alex. He stood up. "Who are you?" he asked. The first one looked at him. "The name's Doc. Hey, have you seen a girl around here? About three times my height, goes by the name Sarcasm?"  
"No, why?" Alex asked. The third one in line frowned and muttered something like 'always late', and the fourth sneezed.  
"No reason," the second answered, pulling his over sized sleeves up. They turned and all marched into the house.

Suddenly Alex heard a scream, then some barking. He looked toward the sound, then took his knife and headed off into the woods.


	5. Snow White Little Red Riding Hood, Pt 2

**I'm still updating this story, if anyone wants to read it...**

 ** _Snow White/Little Red Riding Hood, Part 2_**

 **Main Characters:**

Valerie: Plays herself and Sarcasm the Dwarf

Christie: Plays Snow White

Alex: Plays the Huntsman

Laura: Plays Little Red Riding Hood

Ben: Plays the Wolf

 **Other Characters:**

Sally

Happy

Sneezy

Grumpy

Doc

Bashful

Sleepy

Tom

Delilah

* * *

"Laura! Stop!" Ben barked, turning away from the dropped treats. Laura glared at him, then stopped screaming for a moment. "I told you not to eat them. Look, here comes Alex."  
Ben pawed at the ground, then turned and grabbed a piece of meat in his mouth. He bounded off. Laura picked up her basket and the discarded food, wiping some off and throwing others behind her.  
"Why did I even buy meat?" she wondered aloud, looking up at Alex, who held his knife out threateningly. "Where is he?" he demanded. Laura stood up. "I'm afraid you just missed him," she said. Alex sighed and put his knife back. "Is it so much to ask for something to eat?" he asked. Laura looked in her basket and pulled out half of a small cake. She handed it to him. He nodded his thanks.  
"Why does he get food and I don't?" came Ben's voice suddenly. Laura closed her basket. "Because you are a wolf and he is not."

"I'm your brother!"  
"You're a wolf."  
Ben glared at her.

-($)-

Christie sat down on the small bed. "Why is everything so small in here?" she asked. Valerie lay her axe by the door, walking to sit on a chair. Sally sat down as well.  
"Dwarves live here," Valerie said. There was a knock on the door, and Christie got up immediately. "Do you think Alex got past that weird barrier?" she asked. Valerie shook her head. "The plot is a very powerful thing. It wouldn't let him. Must be the dwarves."  
The door opened and seven little men walked in. One walked to the table. "Sarcasm? What are you doing back so early?" he asked Valerie. Valerie stared at him. "Excuse me?"  
"And why did you bring friends?" another asked. Yet another sneezed, and one walked over to the beds and plopped down, snoring softly.

"Um, this is Sally and Christie, and they're both friends," she said. The one who had first spoken to her sighed. "Will they be staying long?"  
"No, probably just the night," Valerie said. "Speaking of, tomorrow I think you all should go mining again."

"You never come with us!" the one with oversized sleeves protested. Valerie frowned. "Okay, and?"  
"And we want you to!" came the timid voice of another. Valerie sighed. "Fine," she said. "But if something terrible happens while I'm away, I blame you guys."

"Don't worry, nothing bad will happen!" someone's joyful voice exclaimed. A rough voice replied. "You never know."

Valerie pulled Sally aside. "When I leave tomorrow, a someone is going to come offering apples. Take one, and give it to Christie. She'll faint. When we come back, I'll take care of everything, but make sure she eats that apple."  
Sally nodded, confused. Valerie looked outside as the sun began to set. "Good. Tomorrow, we finish this fairytale."

-($)-

Ben watched through the window as his sister walked into the house. He put his forelegs on the ground and his stomach growled. A flash of green smoke appeared, and then there was the green girl, this time dressed in queenly apparel.  
"I take it you're ready to be a human again?" she asked. Ben sat down. "You think?" he asked.  
The girl frowned. "One more night never hurt anyone."  
Ben looked into the forest; suddenly it seemed very dark and creepy. A wolf howled.  
"It might," he replied, turning back to the girl. But she was gone. Then he heard her voice.  
"I'll change you back tomorrow evening. First, I have a cottage to visit."

-($)-

The next morning, Christie awoke to birds chirping. She looked up and saw Valerie standing above her, holding an axe and grinning viciously. She shrieked and shot up, Valerie leaning back quickly.  
"What in the world was that?" she asked. Valerie shrugged. "I figured, 'Hey, if she needs a way to wake up, why not scare her awake?' So I did that. Anyway, the dwarves and I are leaving for the mines. We'll be back later this evening. Don't stray from the house, and if a lady comes with apples, take one and eat it."  
Christie nodded, breathing heavily. "Valerie?" she asked as the other girl began to walk outside. Valerie turned. "Yeah?"  
"Don't do that. Ever. Again."  
"Okay," Valerie said, continuing to leave.

Christie turned to Sally, who was sitting at the table reading a small book.  
"What are you reading?"  
"I honestly don't know. It's about this weird place where magic doesn't exist and everyone's all normal. Strangest thing is, they all have our names. Such as Christie, and Sally, and Valerie, and Alex… it's weird."  
Christie got up and walked over. "Let me see."

There was a knock at the door. Sally looked up. "Who is it?" she called. A young voice answered.  
"I'm selling peaches!" she said. "Please let me in!"

"You are coming nowhere near here!" Sally exclaimed then, remembering what Valerie had told her, coughed and said again, "Um, I mean, Christie can you go get the door?"  
Christie obliged, and in the door was a little girl with a basket of yellow-orange fruit.  
"Care to try one?" the little girl asked. Christie smiled and tried to take one, but her hand was swatted away by the girl. "Not that one," she said, picking one out. "Eat this one."  
Sally looked over Christie's shoulder. "Shouldn't you have apples?" she asked. The girl looked up at her, surprised. "Um, nope! Where would you get a silly idea like that?" she asked, turning and skipping away. Christie raised the peach to her mouth to take a bite.

"Wait!" Sally said. She dragged Christie over to the beds and had her sit down. "Now eat it."  
Christie nodded, then took a bite. Within moments, she fainted. The peach rolled to the floor.

Sally heard noises outside. She opened the door to see a cackling green lady, and three orange fish singing 'dun, dun, dunnnn!'.  
She shook her head, returning to the table and sitting down, reading her book once more.

-($)-

"Wolf! Get over here!" Delilah called. Ben padded to sit in front of her. "Now can I be human again?" he asked. She grinned. "Sure." Delilah waved her hand, and Ben became human again, fully clothed.

"Finally. Now why are you so happy? Yesterday you seemed a little down."  
The girl rubbed her hands together. "I just successfully poisoned someone."  
Ben took a step back, regarding her strangely. "And that's a good thing?" he asked. She nodded. "When you're me, yes."  
Laura walked outside the house. "Ben! You're a human!" she said. Ben grinned. "Yeah. And I'm still hungry."  
Laura reached into her basket(which she still held) and pulled out a cupcake. "Here."  
Ben took it and bit into it, then turned back to Delilah. "So where are you going now?" he asked. She shrugged. "Probably going to go mess with someone's head. Oh, and if you see my sister, tell her I said hi."  
"Uh, sure."  
With another puff of green smoke, she was gone.  
Whistling caught their ears, and the siblings turned to see seven men and Valerie walking along. The little men were whistling, and Valerie had her hands over her ears. She saw Ben and Laura, then smiled and waved.

"Hi!" she shouted over the loud whistling. Making her way over to them, she dropped her axe. "I've been mining all day. Christie's almost dead now, and Sally's back at a cottage. Care to come?"  
Laura shrugged. "Eh, sure," she said. "I've been bored these last few days."  
"You've been hiding from me," Ben pointed out. Laura nodded. "As I said, bored. Let's go."  
Valerie grinned, then turned and followed the little men.  
"So do you know these people?" Laura asked. Valerie shrugged. "Sort of. They're dwarves. That's Doc, Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Dopey, Bashful, Sleepy, and apparently I'm Sarcasm."  
The one she said was Dopey turned to look back at her. "Actually, my name is Tom," he said. "Sorry!" Valerie called back. They neared the cottage, and it was unnaturally quiet.

They all walked in, and there was Sally, reading a book. She turned to look at Valerie. "Christie's on the bed."  
Valerie nodded. Christie was on the bed, unconscious. Valerie walked over and put her hands on Christie's shoulders, then shook her back and forth repeatedly. A bit of a fruit flew out of her mouth, and Christie sat up, coughing. "Worst peach ever. What was that?"  
"Poison," Valerie answered, then stood. "Anyone want to go climb a beanstalk?" she asked. Sally shrugged. "I'm going with you anyway."  
Ben grinned. "Sounds like fun. Count me in," he said. Laura and Christie both had the same response; "I have nothing better to do."  
"Cool," Valerie said, then looked around. "Wait, where's Alex? He needs to come with us."

"I'm here," Alex called from outside. Everyone went outside, the dwarves staying in. There was Alex, kicking at the invisible plotline.

"Great! We're going to climb a beanstalk," Valerie said. "Want to come?"

Alex shrugged. "What the heck. I've got nothing to lose."  
"Great," Valerie said. She walked back in and emerged later with a bag. She dropped her axe in it, then pulled out a wand.  
"To the beanstalk!" she shouted, and a portal appeared. She smiled. "After all y'all," she said.

And off they went.


	6. Jack and the Beanstalk, Pt 1

**Blue Rose Ink:** **Glad you like the story! Valerie doesn't have many more friends to rescue, but something happens and... you'll see. :) So here's my take on Jack and the Beanstalk!**

 _ **Jack and the Beanstalk, Part 1**_

 **Main Characters:  
**

Raymond: Plays Jack

Valerie: Plays herself

 **Other Characters:**

Delilah

Alex

Sally

Laura

Christie

Ben

* * *

"Cow for five shillings!" Raymond called. No one replied; they all knew that the cow had stopped giving milk long ago. A hooded figure stepped in the road. "I'll take the cow," she said. Raymond stepped back. "What for her?" he asked. The figure shoved a hand in her pocket. "I've got beans."  
"Um, no," Raymond said. The figure pulled them out. "They're magic. A beanstalk will grow if you plant them, and it'll give you a chance to get money. Or die."  
Raymond shook his head. "No! As if I would trade this cow for a bunch of beans that might be the cause of my death! You are crazy!"  
The figure snapped her fingers, and all of a sudden the cow was behind her and he held the beans.  
"Thank you, kind sir," she said, turning and walking away. He looked down at his hand in shock. "What was that?" he asked, looking up again. The cow and lady were gone.

"Odd," he said, then turned and began walking back home. A flash of light and a crash caught his attention, and Raymond turned to looked down the street.

There were six people all in a heap on top of a straw pile. He walked over, shoving the beans into his pocket.  
"Are you guys okay?" he asked.  
"Not really," a black haired boy replied. He got up, followed by the others.  
"Valerie, where do you suppose we are?" a girl asked. Another shrugged. "Depends. Raymond, what just happened to you?"  
"How do you know my name?" Raymond asked. "Lucky guess," she and the other girl said in unison. Valerie smiled. "Anyway, I'm Valerie and this is Sally, Laura, Christie, Ben, and Alex. Now tell me; what just happened?"  
"Some lady in a hood went and stole my cow."  
"Really?" Christie asked. He pulled the beans out from his pocket. "Well, not really. She left me five 'magic' beans that may or may not be the cause of my death."

"So what are you going to do?" Ben asked. "I'll eat them, if nothing else. No one seems to care that I'm still hungry."  
"So, say you plant these beans," Laura started. "What happens then?"  
"No idea," Raymond replied. Valerie pulled open her bag and rummaged through it, pulling out items such as a glass slipper, red heels, a wand, an axe, and a peach with a bite taken out of it. He also noticed a mouse scampering away.

"Ah, here it is!" she exclaimed, pulling out a book. To Climb a Beanstalk, by Lee Harper. I bet that it has nothing to do with climbing a beanstalk," she said, studying the cover. She threw it behind her, and looked into her bag. "One more thing; The Idiot's Guide to Killing a Giant and Living to Tell the Tale, by Ima L. Ive."  
She started laughing, handing it to Raymond. "Here. You might need it."  
He opened it up and read page one.

"If you are reading this, you're either stupidly brave or bravely stupid."  
He turned to the group. "I don't know, this sounds sort of off. How do you expect me to kill a giant?"  
"Honestly, I don't, but it all depends on whether I know the giant or not." Valerie said. Ben shrugged. "She knows pretty much everybody, so I wouldn't be surprised."  
Valerie smiled. "I do, don't I? Anyway, where should we plant them?"

"Excuse me? I still haven't agreed that I'm going to climb a beanstalk," Raymond said.  
"You have to," Valerie pointed out. "Or else Delilah will win the game."  
"Last I checked, Queen Delilah was playing no game," Alex piped up from somewhere behind her. There were nods of agreement.  
"So none of you are going?" she asked. She turned to Christie. "Last I checked, she tried to poison you."  
Christie shrugged. "Technically, it was a little girl, and I have no feud with little girls."  
"It was her in disguise!" Valerie said. She turned to Raymond. "And did she not just steal your cow?"  
"Technically speaking, no. She gave me beans."

Valerie groaned. "Ben, she turned you into a wolf!"  
"Then turned me back," Ben said. Valerie sighed. "Does anyone agree with me?"

"No," Sally piped up.  
"Fine then," Valerie started. "How about this. Christie, who de-poisoned you?"  
"You did," Christie said, then winced. "And again, worst peach ever."  
"Yes I did. Sally, who got you to the ball?"  
"You did, but Prince Neal was a jerk."  
"True… anyway, I helped you guys, can you please help me?"

After a moment of silence, Raymond held out a hand, in which were the beans. "They're all yours." he said. Valerie grabbed them. "Your funeral."  
"Actually, it's probably going to be yours," Laura said. Valerie walked away. "Fine. But if I come back with bits and pieces of bread dough on my back, I blame you guys."


	7. Jack and the Beanstalk, Pt 2

_**Jack and the Beanstalk, Part 2  
**_

 **Main Characters:  
**

Raymond: Plays Jack

Valerie: Plays herself

Spencer: Plays the Giant

 **Other Characters:**

Delilah

Alex

Sally

Laura

Christie

Ben

* * *

"Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum, I'm bored," Spencer said, walking around in his castle.

"That doesn't rhyme," Came a voice. He looked outside to see a green girl standing there, looking impatient.  
"Yeah? What's your point?" he asked. She shrugged. "I don't know, I just thought that being a giant and all, your rants should rhyme."  
"Well, they don't. Who are you? You're pretty small, leading me to believe you're a human, but you're green, so I'm guessing you're a jealous human."  
"I am not!" the girl protested. "The name is Queen Delilah, and I rule the land below."  
"Below?" Spencer questioned. She nodded. "Yup. Anyway, my sister blames me for her troubles, so she's going around doing what she can to stop them. Sort of. So I'm going around helping her, just cause. But she doesn't know."  
"Yeah, and?" Spencer said, looking even more bored. She smiled. "Of course, I add a few plot twists along the way, and that's where you come in. Watch."  
She pushed her sleeves back and in her hand appeared a magic wand. She waved it around, and a cloud of purple smoke engulfed Spencer. When it went away, he gasped.

"There. Now when she gets here, be sure to make a huge entrance."

Spencer nodded slowly. "Will this wear off?" he asked. Delilah shrugged. "I'm pretty sure. By midnight, at the latest. Anyway, got to go!"

 _-Linebreak-_

Valerie looked down at the town beneath her. She wrapped a vine around her arm and kept climbing.  
"Why did I do this again? Oh, right, because I might know who the giant is. With my luck, it's probably not even a giant at all. And now, because I'm doing this alone, I'm talking to myself. Great."  
She took another step up. "In movies, they're lucky. This takes forever when you don't have a time lapse."  
Valerie frowned, then grabbed her bag and looked inside. "There's gotta be something in here… oh, right, magic wand. Duh."  
She pulled it out. "Time lapse."

In a flash, she was standing in front of a huge castle. She grinned and waved her wand again, and in a moment everyone else was there too.

"I didn't want to stay down there anyway," Laura said, realizing what had happened. Valerie turned. "First things first."  
She walked into the group and a moment later, Raymond was pushed out.  
"Your story, you first."  
Raymond looked back, and someone passed forth a sword. "You might want this."

"Thanks a lot," Raymond said, turning and facing the door. "Um, knock, knock," he said loudly. A deep voice came from within.  
"Who's there?"  
"Raymond Farmboy."  
"Raymond Farmboy who- er, I mean, What business do you have in my castle?"

"Well, I was admiring the place and wanted to know why your stones look suspiciously like…"

Everyone jumped as flames rocketed out of a window above the portcullis. A dark shadow overcame them, and a huge figure flew out of the castle.

"Really?" Valerie said. "Delilah can't leave one fairytale alone? She had to turn this one into a fire breathing dragon?"

The dragon landed behind them.  
"Who are you?" Christie asked. He folded his wings. "Uh, none of your business. Who are you?"  
"None of your business," Sally called. He narrowed his eyes. "You were the ones who invaded my territory, so it is my business."  
"I'm Valerie, and that's Raymond, Christie, Sally, Aaron, Ben, and Laura. You're Spencer," Valerie said.  
"How do you know?" Spencer asked.  
"Lucky guess," everyone said. The dragon shrugged. "Can't argue with that logic. Anyway, which one of you should I make bread with first?"  
"I thought you were a carnivore. That would be no dairy products, right?" Valerie asked.  
"Myth, and I'm actually a giant. Queen Delilah made me a dragon, so you guys are probably the midnight snack."  
"I refuse to be a snack!" Raymond shouted, raising his sword. "If anything, I'm desert."  
He rushed forward. Spencer held forth a talon, and held Raymond back. "Um…"

Valerie rolled her eyes. "Can we just go find the pigs? I'm dying to know who they are," she said. Spencer and Raymond paused and looked back at her. "Are you talking about Max, Alfonso, and Garrett Oinker?" Raymond asked. "They go by 'The Three Little Pigs,' but I don't think 'little' is in their vocabulary," he said.  
"Oh, um no. Hey, do any of you know anyone named Brynn or Jason?"  
"Jason? He's a farmer's son who has this bull who's like his brother. Apparently it can talk. But, I've never heard of a 'Brynn'."  
Valerie sighed. "Fine. Anyway, in a moment I'm transporting the rest of us down. Spencer, you can fly."

Just then, four kids flew by, and a bit of music played.

 _You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!_

"Lalalalala! Can't hear you!" Valerie said, sticking her fingers in her ears. She pulled her wand out of her purse. "Climb down," she said.

They were all at the bottom of the beanstalk. Raymond held an axe in his hands. "Where did this come from?" he asked. Valerie shrugged. "Don't ask, just chop. The beanstalk. Now," she said. He looked down at it, then at the beanstalk.  
"Um, okay," he said.  
Raymond was almost done when Spencer landed on the ground with a thump. The beanstalk snapped and fell. A huge splash sounded and water fell on most of everyone.

"Hey!" a female voice said. "Do you know how much damage that caused fathoms below?"


	8. The LIttle Mermaid, Pt 1

**This fairytale is only a one and a half-parter ;)**

 **THANK YOU ALL FOR REVIEWING!(she says to the _one_ reviewer :D)**

 ** _The Little Mermaid, Part 1_  
**

 **Main Characters:**

Brynn: Plays The Little Mermaid

Valerie: Plays herself

 **Other Characters:**

Spencer

Raymond

Alex

Christie

Deliliah/Evil Queen

King Daddy

Ben

Laura

Prince Neal/Jerk-face Neal

Seaweed

Sally

* * *

Brynn looked at the newcomers with a stern glare. She pulled out a shell and flipped it open.  
"Daddy, I found the cause of that seaquake," she said. Listening for a few moments, she flipped it closed and looked at the small group. A brown haired girl stepped forward.  
"Hi, Brynn. I'm Valerie, and this is Spencer, Sally, Raymond, Alex, Christie, Laura, and Ben."  
"How do you know my name?" Brynn asked. Valerie sighed as everyone chorused, "Lucky guess."  
Valerie smiled. "Anyway, if I may, I'd like to know; have you met anyone yet?"

Brynn smiled dreamily. "He has black hair and the greenest eyes…"

Valerie and Sally looked at each other, then turned forward. "Prince Neal?" Sally asked. Brynn flicked her green tail. "How'd you know that? Lucky guess?" she guessed. Sally sighed. "Unfortunately, no. He's a jerk," she said. Brynn blinked, then folded her arms indignantly. "Just because he screamed and fainted when he saw me underwater doesn't mean he's a jerk. Neither does the fact that he can't recognize me, even though I saved his life. Twice."

"What was that thing you were talking into?" Alex asked. Brynn pulled out her shell. "It's a shell-phone. I can talk directly to my dad from it."  
"You have people in there?" Raymond asked. Valerie grinned. "Siri," she said, beginning to laugh. Everyone looked at her strangely, and she smiled apologetically. "You had to be there. Well technically you were, but… ah, never mind. So Brynn, have you visited Delilah yet?"  
"Just because Delilah has been the cause of all our problems so far," Ben started, "Doesn't mean she's the cause of this one."  
"Actually, I beg to differ," Brynn called from her rock not too far out to sea. "Delilah was the one who gave me legs instead of a tail."  
"Has it already been three days?" Valerie asked. Brynn shrugged. "Yeah, why? Wait, how did you know about the time limit?"  
"I think everyone knows this by now. Anyone?"  
"Lucky guess," they said. She nodded. "Thank you. Anyway, shouldn't you be sea foam by now?" she asked. Brynn looked disgusted. "Um, no. That's unnatural. Ew."  
A few of the group winced.

"Okay then. Delilah is the culprit, so now what?" Spencer asked. Raymond stared at the horizon. "I say we run," he said.  
"What? Why?" Christie asked, shielding her eyes from the fading sun with a hand. Her skin paled even more than the near-white it already was. "Oh dear," she said.

"What is it?" Brynn asked, turning around. She frowned. "Daddy!" she yelled, diving under the water.

"Dad, why is there a tsunami rushing towards the town at full speed?" she asked her father, who wasn't too far under, holding his rake up.  
"I created it," he answered, lowering his pitchfork.  
"With the eating utensil?" Brynn asked. Her father looked at her. "No, with the trident."  
"The fork isn't magic, dad," she said. "I think Delilah did it."

"You're smart," came a female voice. "I did."

"Well, can you please stop?" Brynn asked. She frowned. "You're going to wash half of the mer-people onshore, and land people out to sea."  
Delilah sighed, exasperated. "Fine," she groaned, waving her turquoise mermaid tail around. The rushing waters above stopped.

"We're alive!" Christie exclaimed, looking up. The waters had stopped advancing.  
"We're alive!"  
"We got it," Alex said, standing up. Brynn appeared above the waters a moment later. "Sorry about that," she said. "My father thought he was the one making the tsunami, but it was actually Delilah."

"Cinderella?" came a familiar voice. Sally turned around with a grimace on her face. "Oh hello, Prince Neal."  
"Who is this guy?" Laura asked. Sally frowned. "The prince."

"Prince Neal, they called you a jerk!" Brynn said from in the water. He looked up at her. "Okay… with good reason. I just wanted to tell you the wedding went well."  
"You mean you didn't recognize me at all? I saved your life!"  
"Uh, I have poor eyesight," he said, turning to go. "See you around Cinderella, Fynn."  
"It's Brynn!" Brynn exclaimed as he walked away. She turned and slumped back against her rock. "The nerve of some people."  
"That was one of the most awkward exchanges I have ever seen," Valerie said, exhaling slowly. "Weird. Anyway, who's up for watching a bull fight?"  
"Sounds fun!" Brynn exclaimed. "But, as you can tell, I'm stuck out here until further notice."  
"Can't you call Delilah on your shell-phone, if it has people in there?" Spencer called. He turned and watched as a small girl shrieked and ran for cover at the sight of him.  
"And while you're at it, can you ask her to change me back?"

"Or you could find her using Siri," Valerie pointed out. "Just ask, "Siri, where is the nearest Evil Queen?" or something like that."  
"You mean Seaweed?" Brynn asked. "I can ask it anything, and it'll answer. I can see how you would get 'Seaweed' and 'Siri' mixed up, though. They sound a lot alike."  
"Not really," Ben said. Brynn shrugged and pulled out her shell-phone.  
"Seaweed, where is the nearest queen?" she asked.

 _Go forward, then take a left at the next coral. She is cackling._

"Thanks!" Brynn said, then dove underwater. Her shell phone fell onto the rock.

 _You're welcome. Hello? Hello…? Hello, Brynn, are you there?_

 _…_

 _Ahem. 'Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do…_ Seaweed began to sing.

"You know, this is probably in the top three of awkward conversations," Valerie said. "I wonder when Brynn's going to get back."

"I'm here!" Brynn exclaimed, climbing out of the water. She stood on two legs, and wore a green skirt. She frowned and shivered. "Are any of you cold?"

"No," everyone said.  
"I'm a fire-breathing dragon," Spencer pointed out. "The only thing that can make me cold is dragon ice."  
"What is fire, and why does it… what's the word… burn?" Brynn asked. Spencer picked a tree branch off a nearby tree and lit it on fire. "This is fire, and it burns because it's hot."  
"What does burn mean, anyway?" she asked, reaching forward to touch it. Alex pulled her arm back. "Let's not touch," he said. Brynn shrugged. "Okay," she said. Spencer turned and dropped the flaming branch, then whacked it with his tail into the sea.  
"Now that that's taken care of," Valerie started, turning and tapping her wand into her hand, "We're going to go watch a bull fight."

 _Under the sea…under the sea… everything's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me!_

 _Sigh._

 _Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti…_  
 _…_

 _Sigh._

 **Reviews give me _inspiration._**

 **Feel free to check out my other fairytale story,** **Fallen Destiny** **. It's a retelling of _Sleeping Beauty_.**

 **Luv you all!**

 **-Misfortune**


	9. Billy Beg and the Little Mermaid pt1 & 2

**Ahem. Hello there.**

 _ **Billy Beg and The Little Mermaid, Pt 1 and Pt 1-and-a-Half**_

 **Main Characters:**

 **Jason: Plays Billy Beg**

 **Brynn: Plays the Little Mermaid**

 **Valerie: Plays herself**

 **John: Is an OC of sorts.  
**

 **Other Characters:**

 **Sally**

 **Spencer**

 **Laura**

 **Ben**

 **Raymond**

 **Christie**

 **Alex**

 **Delilah**

* * *

Once upon a time there was in Ireland(aka the Land of Ire in Fairytalelandia, aka the Land of Anger Issues) a King and Queen, and they had one son, Jason. The Queen gave Jason a bull that he was very fond of, and it was just as fond of him.  
After some time the Queen died, and she put it as her last request to the King that he never part Billy and the bull; and the King promised that, come what might, come what may, he would not. After his wife died, the King married again, and the new Queen didn't take to Jason, and no more did she like the bull, seeing himself and Jason so thick.

This is not true.

Jason was a poor farm boy, much like many other heroes. His father gave Jason a bull, his last possession and only gift to the boy. Ever.  
Jason took care of it, and lo and behold; the creature spoke to him! The local villagers thought he was crazy, talking to a bull, so they called up the hen-wife- a woman who raises chickens- to see what they could do about separating them. And giving the people a good meal- for once.

"Naturally, I want a reward for my services," the hen-wife, Delilah asked. The people shrugged at each other and looked at her. "Whatever you ask," they said. Delilah grinned. "Hmm… I'll have to get back to you on that. Have all of your sons and grandsons and whatever other generations of sons you have in your families go to their beds, and pretend they are sick. I'll take care of the rest."

"Really?" one particularly curious townsfolk asked. She laughed. "No. But don't worry, you will end up getting rid of the bull."

Just then, a group of people walked into town. Delilah frowned. "Whoops, gotta go. I'll get back to you on that Jason fellow."  
She gently put the hen she was stroking down, then disappeared in green smoke. There was coughing.

"Still not used to that."

Brynn smiled, looking at all the shops and stuff lining the roads. She gasped and ooh-ed and aah-ed at certain things.  
"Look at this stuff!" she cried. "Isn't it neat?"  
"For the nine hundred thirty-second time, yes," Laura replied. Brynn grabbed a lamp from a mysterious looking merchant. "What's this thing?"

"That is a mystical lamp. Legend says that if you rub it, a genie will come and grant-"

"BORING!" Brynn exclaimed, setting it back on the counter. "I want something exciting, something magical, something I can use to get higher up in the world!" she said, then walked away. The merchant was left blinking and sputtering.

Valerie laughed. "What is there about a magic lamp that doesn't appeal to you, Brynn?" she asked. Brynn shrugged. "I came across the weirdest thing a few days ago. There was this guy, who fell into the water, with a gag on his mouth and chains on his legs, and he fell unconscious underwater. Then a lamp, which, by the way, looked more like a teapot, came down, and this weird blue guy showed up, spoke to him, then blasted him out in some sort of weird craft. I think it was making whale sounds."  
"That would be a submarine," Valerie supplied, grinning. She turned to the others, walking backwards and miraculously avoiding a huge mirror, two guards, and one boot-wearing cat, and asked, "How about you guys? Anything strange happen in the past few weeks?"

"Aside from being turned into a wolf, spending the night as a wolf, being turned back into a human, and then seeing a dragon, a mermaid, a cat wearing boots, a green lady twice, now, and a talking seashell all on the Same day… no," Ben said. Spencer looked down at himself. "Look at me. Everything about this just screams 'strange,'" he said. Alex frowned. "The strangest thing that has happened to me was being stopped by a 'puh-lot' line." he said.  
"I fought a dragon," Raymond said. Spencer coughed. "I believe your exact words were, 'Knock, knock."  
"Okay, so I didn't exactly fight a dragon, but still. I climbed a beanstalk."

"I climbed the beanstalk," Valerie corrected him. He folded his arms. "I was up there, wasn't I? How about me making the beanstalk fall?"  
"Again, that was me," Spencer said. Raymond frowned. "Do I get credit for anything?"

"You did point out the tidal wave," Alex said.

"Thank you."

"I witnessed my brother as a wolf, my brother not as a wolf, and pretty much everything else he said qualify as strange stuff I've seen in the past few weeks," Laura admitted. Christie shrugged. "After eating that poisoned peach, nothing will ever surprise me," she said, then her gaze caught that of a crazy-looking man with green hair, white skin, black eyes and a red mouth. She blinked and looked away. "Except maybe that."

Sally laughed. "You guys got it easy. Some random stranger showed up on my front lawn last night, I went to a ball, met Prince Neal, found out Prince Neal was a jerk, left with the stranger, met a girl who was running from a huntsman who was going to bring her heart to the queen but actually wasn't, met a guy who was turned into a wolf, met his sister, met seven dwarves, eight if you count Valerie aka Sarcasm, then met a farm boy, a dragon/giant, a mermaid, a green lady, a talking shell, and Prince Neal again, all in two days. And I'm pretty sure we had a weird time skip somewhere in there, because we went straight from midnight to afternoon in one round of 'three heel clicks'. So if you think you've seen strange, you obviously haven't."

"I saw a flying carpet!" Brynn piped up. "And weird things I think were called fire-works."  
Valerie shrugged, ducking to avoid a guy holding a tray. "So, who are we looking for now?" she asked. They all looked at her.  
"You don't know?" Sally asked. "I thought the whole reason we were coming here was because you knew who we were looking for!"

"Oh, right, your brother," Valerie mumbled. Sally tipped her head. "What?"  
"Nothing," Valerie said. She turned back around finally and ran smack into a bull's hide. She backed up, shaking her head dizzily. "Ow. What was that?"

"Excuse me," came a boy's voice. He poked his head out from behind the white and brown bull.  
"Jason!" Valerie exclaimed. She glared at the sky. "Finally, we can go home."

"How do you know my name?" Jason asked.  
"Lucky guess," everyone chorused. Valerie looked down and shook her head. "Nope! If you guys recall, Raymond mentioned Jason when we were up the beanstalk," she said. Jason peered at the group. "Is Raymond here? Good. I need your help. The townspeople want my bull dead, and they're pretending to be sick, with the only cure being the blood of my bull."  
The cow mooed mournfully a few times, and Jason patted it's neck. "It's okay, John, we'll find somewhere to hide."  
"You named your bull John?" Brynn asked. She grinned and stepped up. "Cool! I've never seen a cow. What's he like?" she asked. Jason frowned. "Dead, if we don't get him out of here."

Valerie frowned and crossed her arms. "When you don't need her, she's there. When you do need her, she's gone."

In a puff of more green smoke, Delilah appeared in front of them. She coughed and waved it away. "Ahem. To get home, you have to finish all of the stories, not just run into them. You are familiar with Billy Beg, correct?"  
"Yup!" Valerie said. She turned to Jason. "Spoiler, he dies."  
Jason covered his bull's ears. "Don't listen to him, John," he said. John mooed a few more times.  
"I know, but she doesn't know everything."

Sally stared at the ground. "This is so demeaning," she muttered, then looked at Christie. "I'm listening to a boy, talk to a cow, about whether the cow's going to die or not."

"It is strange, isn't it?" Laura said. "But I've seen worse."  
She looked at her brother pointedly.

"Hey!" Ben exclaimed, pointing a finger at Delilah. "It was her fault!"

Delilah raised her hand. "I could turn you back into a wolf with the flick of my wrist," she retorted, waving her hand. Purple smoke cleared, and she was gone.

"Where'd she go?" Raymond asked quizzically. Valerie took in a breath. "Sightseeing," she sighed.

"AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!"

They all turned around. Valerie let out a snort.  
"Not _funny_!" Ben exclaimed, growling at them. He was a wolf again. "I thought it was just a threat!"  
"Well, she _did_ flick her wrist," Laura said. "In case you didn't notice."  
"I didn't _care_!"  
Spencer grinned. "I'm human again!" he exclaimed. Everyone turned to look at him.  
"Umm..." Sally began, trying to figure out what to say. "Look behind you."

"AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH! I've got _wings_!"

"That's actually kinda cool," Laura said. "Can you fly?"  
"No!"  
"Okay, less cool."  
Spencer frowned. "So now what are we supposed to do?" he asked. Valerie turned and looked at Jason. "If I last remember, you and the bull-"  
"Ahem."  
"Pardon me, you and John, need to go fight a bull in the woods."

"Ooh, John is really good at fighting. What woods?"

"The Woods of No Return."

"Nope, nevermind. We're doomed."

As Jason and John sat, cowering for their lives, Valerie continued to wonder if she would ever get home.

* * *

 **Please Review!**


End file.
